Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This is why today wasn't easy. This is why today was still o.k.

I cried at work.

This is me:

Except with tears. And apparently a choker.

I really can't explain it in detail in the fucking off chance someone in my office will come across this.

I felt really overwhelmed and my boss is basically like..."ummm... you do it and you do it right."

I got to work this morning and through miscommunication from her I just felt totally used. Sort of like I'm doing her job. And I was so PISSED and I felt so helpless to do anything about it.
I got back to my desk---"look it up!"(see above)---my ass! 

 I was going to totally lose my shit. Like if one tear trickled out I was doomed.

I was all curious about it. Why am I crying now? I never cry-or if I do it's only at Oprah? I've taken so much shit at my job-at school-at life. Why now? Why am I so close to the sobbing point.

I realized, it's because I can take constructive criticism. It's o.k. Yeah, I fucked up. I'm pretty good at accepting that. I'm not going to fucking cry about it.

But it was just this situation where I knew I wasn't in the wrong and I felt wronged, yet I'm a subordinate. I can't talk back or get angry or defensive or even offensive. That's how I felt. Like a schmuck and a fucking legal bitch. So I cried. What else is there?

Than I left work and my car wouldn't start and I had to be at school for class.

And it was hail/snow/rain/sleeting out. These days. It's always these days. Upset and snowy, wet socks and pants, hands tucked into a jacket that isn't warm enough, wanting to just get the fuck away from it all.

I felt all down and out like only a little entitled white girl can.

BUT, this thing happened. I'm reading this book, "Small Miracles" about the everyday coincidences that happen in life that mean something more-like the universe is directing you to the right places when you are open and free-or whatever. I'm usually pretty skeptical to that shit-but I'm into it enough to read about it.

Anyway, yesterday I'm reading it-trying to get comfortable with laying in between my husband's clunky legs;a big boxer dog snoring in the crook of my arm, and I'm on this this story about the lady that really wrote Ann Landers. It wasn't Ann Landers (I guess I kind-of knew this in the back of my mind). It was this other woman. Who lived in Chicago. She wanted to write the column, but kept getting refused when she tried to get the job. She eventually wrote her way onto the newspaper in a blind contest-even after being repeatedly rejected. They told her she wasn't going to last after she won. She wrote for decades.

Well, great. Nice random story about real Ann Landers and coincidence and perseverance and achieving against all odds and stuff.

Then today in class which I was totally running late for since my OTHER boss had to give me a ride to school (lame! I'm a loser). I'm sitting there zoning and mostly checking out Jezebel.

My prof. is talking about a sport's car and why it's worth more to this dude because it was owned by Tiger Woods. He goes on to say that the problem in the book used to say the car was owned by Ann Landers, but they had to change it because not enough students knew who she was.

My ears perked up a bit. Strange, Ann Landers. I never hear her referenced-there isn't even a column anymore- and all of a sudden I read about her (as in the real) Ann Landers and hear about her in UCC Sales of all things. He goes on to say, "Did you know that Ann Landers didn't write her column. I lived next door to the REAL Ann Landers in Chicago-this lady that wrote the column used to get boxes and boxes of mail delivered to her house. Bet you didn't know that."

So here I am-all pissed about my day, depressed about my memo, sick of law school, wanting to give up.

And here on I am. Not just reading about Ann Landers or hearing my Prof. mention Ann Landers-

No, I'm reading about this obscure (relatively) lady who wrote an advice column under a pseudonym in a book about meaningful coincidence and than the NEXT day hear her mentioned-not just Ann Landers-but the lady behind Ann Landers who I had just been reading about the day before.

I'm reading a book about coincidences and one of the stories in the book leads to my own coincidence.

Even though today sucked in a way-I'm taking my coincidence that occurred due to me reading about meaningful coincidence as a sign-or something-that I am on the right path and that I am going to keep moving forward.

I guess that's all it took. Thanks Eppie Lederer. You helped bring it all together for me today.

Even though it started with tears-it ended with a smile.

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