Friday, March 6, 2009

Vibrators (and etc.).

I've quite a collection if I do say so myself. Ever since a girlfriend introduced me to their beauty my freshmen year of college.
And mom-if you're reading this-JESUS read no further. SISTER-You too!

I remember getting my first vibe like it was yesterday. My girlfriend and I were at Perkins-weren't we all always at Perkins before bars?-and somehow the topic of orgasms and toys came up. I was a pretty naive little girl I guess-but I had never even thought to own a vibrator before she mentioned it. She was shocked that I had been so deprived through my masturbatory youth-and she was so excited about the idea and I was so excited about her excitement that we immediately shot up from the table and ran out on both our bill and my ice cream sundae and 10th cup of coffee. I totally broke the law just to get a sex toy.

We went to Sex World which was garish and dangerous and gross and exciting. My first vibrator was pink, cheap, and covered in some kind of bizarre rubbery thing which the salesman told me was edible, but he was fat and sweaty and probably just got off the idea of girls gnawing through their first sex toys. In fact, this thing was so novice that it should have had a My Little Pony on the package with the words "Girl's First Vibrator" written underneath in rainbow colors.

It sort of looked like this:

Except-decidedly not ribbed for her pleasure. It was more like, encased in rubber jelly which meant that it was always sticky and covered in hair and lint from being hastily shoved under my pillow.

I didn't realize at the time that that pink jelly was actually toxic and melting poison into my little v-jay-and I'm sure I wouldn't have cared. Using that toy was like seeing the face of God the first time-like WHAT-I can have a quickie with myself and barely do any work?

Over the years I bought more toys here and there-even buying one when I lived in Spain and bringing it home in my carry on. I don't know what I was thinking-like I could join the solo mile high club?

When I started dating my husband I realized he was a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed-and once we had gone through several break-ups and decided it was just you and me always and forever we amped up the sex life. While, it had been amped, but we decided to throw it all in (pun intended-and achieved) My husband isn't one of those dude's that's all intimated by a lady's best friend-in fact he has gotten me two beautiful (and expensive) vibes as gifts-something I prefer over flowers and chocolate any day.

I mean-as long as you're all committed to one person and you're not into open relationship shit-I thought why not try sex in every possible way and with as much accoutrement as we could afford. I went from not knowing that a vibrator is something a real girl could own to practically having my own sex toy store in the closet.

Not that I pull out a trunk o' tricks every time we do it. But it definitely comes in handy for the nights every few weeks when we both have the next day off, the house to ourselves, whiskey, and hours to get nice and warm and buzzed and I get my just rewards for taking care of everything else in our lives, by him taking care of me. Being a woman is so cool sometimes.

And Smitten Kitten has allowed us to really push the boundaries and explore in a way that isn't giving us private part cancer or making me feel all awkward in a cum covered sex shop for men.


Here's what sucks. I keep breaking all of my fancy vibrators. The cheapo ones seem to go on forever. But the nice toys we have-at least those that require battery power-are shot. I'm so disappointed. I don't know if it's me and my overuse-or the fact that the toys aren't meant to be used-they are so pretty perhaps I am supposed to put them in a glass case and display them like a bunch of knick knacks.  Maybe they are just not meant to last forever and I totally put in my mileage on them really fast.  

Regardless-I've learned that one of the worst things in life is that slow whurr, whurr, whurr, sound right before your vibrator bites the big one (and right before you have the big one).

I have decided that I need to take the next step.

Vibrators that plug into the wall. Oh, that's right. I'm finally ready for the big guns:

The Hitachi Magic Wand-The King of All Vibrators-or at least Traci thinks so. She has me convinced.  

Through my history of buying vibrators, breaking vibrators, and using vibrators in the bedroom with my "try anything once" hubby-I'm totally ready to go old school on this shit and plug in a super powered machine that won't die on me right in the middle.  

Speaking of Traci-she's shown me that you never know how many different ways you can use the magic wand.  Skip to 1:48 if you don't have time for the lesson.  

On the topic of lessons and vagina This link is seriously not safe for work, but it provides some solid info. for dudes about the vagina and making it happy. Click on the link for Nina Hartley and learn even more with video!  Even my husband-who thinks he has nothing to learn just because he's brought me to tears-learned something-and I was thankful he did.  The new tricks were a welcome surprise.  Almost as welcome a surprise as a new Hitachi Magic Wand for my birthday (I hope he's reading this).  


  1. I had the same problem! always breaking or dieing... a few nights ago my Vibe was whurring so slowly i coudlnt get off and burst into tears it was so frustrating! the next day my wonderful boyfriend brought me to the sex shop and got me my first plug-in-to-the-wall vibrator and oooh boy! <3 my Hitachi!!!