Weird!

My lovely (single) sister is on an Internet dating site-mostly because it's fucking hilarious. The other day she told me that there was a sleazy guy trying to go out with her, even though he's in a relationship, etc. The thing is, she said it was freaky how much he looked like my husband.

I'm like, "No way." I've really never seen anyone that looks like him.

But after she showed me his pictures I was a believer.

Sleazy Internet guy:





My husband:




As Joey from Blossom would say, "Whoa!"

My husband is way cuter. And I don't think he's trying to pick up any chicks on dating sites.

It's crazy-I found his doppelganger.
I wonder what a threesome would be like with my husband and my husband's look-a-like?

I'm creeping myself out.

This Freaks Me Out! And other stories.

There is this person who I feel very angry about when I go looking for things to make me angry and I find them. But like a big idiot I keep looking. My mom told me that Ram Dass says that ones ego is attracted to these "sticky things" that aren't real, but are so attractive to latch onto. It's so tempting and I have to remind myself that it's my ego wanting to latch on. It's difficult to let go, walk away, acknowledge that it's unimportant when it's so easy to take in personally and take it is a decree about the kind of person you are and what you represent. Sticky ego sauce.

I guess it doesn't really freak me out, but it does make me feel like I'm in a constant state of taking two steps forward and one step back.

5 Things On My Mind: The February Edition

1. Birth control in hormonal form.
My husband recently said to me that he feels like he is married to a teenage boy (me) due to my seemingly incessant desire to do it. I disagree that my sex drive parallels that of a teenage boy, but I digress. When I was on the pill-a marvelous invention for young women everywhere-I was still in the mood for sex-what teenager isn't? But about three years ago I decided that I didn't want to be on hormones anymore-my mom had actually had a friggin' heart attack from hormones-and I just wasn't into that artificial shit being pumped into my body tricking it into believing it was pregnant. I only want to trick my body into believing it's happy through the use of alcohol. I got off the pill and onto the diaphragm (so 1970's and I couldn't believe my doctor who seemed annoyed with the whole fitting me process-she could not understand WHY I would want to get off the pill). Anyway, the diaphragm was not my style-especially when I tried to use it while tricking my body into happiness-so I've been using "natural family planning" for over 2 years. So far it's worked like a charm-maybe I'm just sterile-but I won't worry about that now. I've noticed that natural hormonal peaks and valleys have brought back my "natural" sex drive in the form of a raging girl hard-on and I really think they don't tell young women that the pill can kill off your desire. Maybe not for every woman, but for me the pill was like a wet blanket on my sex fire. For a Scorpio-that's not good. So I'm all for non-hormonal, monogamous, horny sex now.

2. Unfriending friends and family on Facebook.
Ugggg...facebook. It fulfills my desire to see what's (superficially) going on with old friends, kind-of strangers, enemies, this totally fucked up array of people that I would normally never know about. It's like disturbed the natural order of things. Knowing myself I don't need those constant pop up feed reminders about someone to remember-Oh I used to hate you and and you're from a time of my life when I totally felt like shit-but it's good to know that your office is cold or that you're just running on caffine today. Gross. So I had to weed out my facebook to just people I know or really don't care about knowing. That sounds harsh. It's like I'm trying to make the Facebook experience more psychologically sound when it's already sort-of a fucked up exercise in narcissism-at least if you're someone like me. That was step one.

Step two was unfriending each and every person I don't talk to in real life. I just want to be friends with people that A. I know about in real life and keep up with outside of the internet or 2. Whose posts I find entertaining and, at times, even enlightening.
That involved unfriending my parent's- in -law and their kids. That sounds doubly harsh, but I don't need people I see twice a year feeling like they know me through my stupid facebook posts. They can read my blog for Christ's sake.

This facebook thing can be innocuous or unhealthy-and I've talked about it way too much in this post showing that for me it's tends to be the latter. So I'm trying to keep that in check-I still can't let it go completely as it's convenient and gives me a place to talk about myself (my husband this morning, "Why do you like to talk about yourself so much?" I think it's just because I like to talk-something he's not a fan of-so I talk about the subject I know that most about-Myself. Also, I'm a self-centered asshole, but I'm always trying to find a way around that.)

3. Kundalini yoga.
I'm really getting into it and have found a studio right next to my office, which I take as a sign, but is really just a convenient coincidence. It's just on my mind-how and when I'll take classes. The end.

4. Amtrak vacations.
I want to go on a train vacation out west or to Canada. We can't afford it this year, but I have this romantic notion of sleeping in the sleeper car and drinking cocktails in the dining car. It's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie in my head without the murder and mystery-although if those things do happen it adds some spice to the equation.

5.Vegetarian Foods.
I love veggie burgers, veggie corn dogs, veggie taco meat, and veggie sausage. I really don't feel the need to eat meat anymore-unless it's all locally raised in a moral way and shit. But really, the only meat I would have trouble giving up is pepperoni and they must have an adequate substitute for that. It's somewhat telling that I'm only o.k. with becoming a full-on vegetarians because all of the substitutes make it easy to not really feel like I'm sacrificing anything. Lazy.

I'm now officially on spring break which puts me in the mood to do absolutely nothing. That's not true. It puts me in the mood to go through cookbooks and look at recipes, walk my dog in the snow, and research train vacations online. I do have to do to work, but at least at the end of the day I can go home and not to a classroom.


Expect increased blogging to ensue.

New Poll Alert Sickos.

So my last poll was kind-of a bust, partly because no one really knows about/reads my blog. At least I know that one person thinks I'm tacky like ads and another was just here for the porn.

Thus, the subject of poll #2. Knock yourselves out.

Weiner vs. Wiener

I write about weiners. A lot. But here's my problem. I always thought it was "weiner", but I guess it is "wiener". Why? I've seen it spelled both ways. I've very confused about this whole thing.

God damn weiner confusion. It's the worst.

This is the first image that comes up with "wiener" on google image search:



This is the first one the comes (no pun intended) up (no pun intended) with "weiner":


The second picture is a more accurate visual representation of the context in which I use the word "weiner". The first is a more accurate visual representation of how people respond when I use the word "weiner."

I'm going with wiener. I before E expect after C and all. And in my family the wiener never comes before the C (if you know what I'm sayin'-nudge nudge).

I can't play music...but I can sure make an album cover.

So, listen here's this super cool thing you can do all indie/hipster/facebook style. I can't do it b/c I don't have MsPaint or photoshop, but here's the gist...make your own album cover based on these random rules: (where it says "hit", instead just copy and paste into your browser).

1 - Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “Random Article”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to “Random quotations”
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop/MS Paint or similar to put it all together.

5- Post it in the comments! (Using Imageshack or any photo hoster)

I'm going to do the game without making the actual image.

Here's what mine would be:

The band name would be: Austria-Hungary

The album title would be: Walk rapidly and be unhappy

And this would be the album cover:


You guys-totally do this yourselves and post your faux album in the comments or give a link-I think it's fun. And deep! Wouldn't my created album look awesome all spliced together? I think so.

Update:
I just showed my husband this idea and he was like (more or less), "That's stupid.That picture with that band name...I'm going to do my own album, but I can't do it on this computer. So I'm going to do it on another computer." Yeah, like his random concoction is going to be any better than mine?! Anyway, here are some examples of fake album covers by those who were actually able to do it on "another computer". Just to give some inspiration:







You get the idea...I guess this must have been how all album covers were designed in the 90's.

Vampires for Breakfast

During the course of our relationship I've convinced my husband to experience-and like-many parts of life that he otherwise would have passed over. I mean he was already pretty good at the guitar, smoking cigs, and acting cool thing. When I first hung out with him-actually one of the first times-he was at an apartment upstairs from mine (his friend lived in my building) stoned, playing video games, and spitting the juice from a wad of tobacco stuffed into his cheek into a coke bottle (I know-totally be still my heart moment). I thought that I could slowly, but surely expand his horizons. He did try to expand mine as well, but somehow I never got into 1970's rock bands (although YES is actually cool), old kung-fu movies, or drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

Over time I got him to read ALL of the Harry Potter series, get a dog (which was my idea even though a I backed off of it last minute), watch LOST/Spaced/myriad of documentaries on the Netflix list,Drink Diet Sodas if he has to drink it at all, get married, buy a house, and go back to school. The most shocking "get" I've made with him is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He swore up and down that he would never watch the show, but he's so desperate at times for the pleasurable monotony that is watching episode after commercial free episode of television on DVD that he gave in. And even though the first season is kind-of lame-he's totally into it. Even if it's a girls show (Of course-right?-because it has a girl superhero)-but I also got him to sit down and watch Enchanted with me and I know he liked it even though he feigned disgust the whole way through.

I've had my failures-Dirty Dancing and When Harry Met Sally-Bye Bye Birdie-couples yoga(Sorta NSFW), and facebook. Certain things are enjoyed alone. The one thing I really want him to get into-which he won't since he can't wake up in the morning without a pressing reason-is going out for breakfast! Seriously, it is my favorite meal to pay someone else to make. Especially on Sunday mornings. It's early. The day is fresh, you can go over the paper and eat eggs a million different ways. So on this point I'm going to continue to enjoy breakfast with others in my life-while my husband sleeps in with the dog. Some things just aren't worth pushing. The dog on the other hand, glad I pushed on that one. Who else would keep my husband company when I'm off eating hash browns and drinking cup after glourious cup of coffee?

Sometimes Stalking Pays Off

One of my very favorite hobbies is stalking people online. I sit down with a cup of tea (or more likely a glass of wine) and slowly untangle relationships and histories as best one can through the filter of the internet. It's not healthy and definitely a waste of time, but I find such satisfaction in knowing, knowing, knowing-so I don't stop.

Once of these sessions-a connection which I won't even explain-led me to discover this photographer. He's actually really, really good and I am consistently pleased with his work. The photos are wonderful.

I check him out about once a month and it's a little treasure trove of how he sees the world. I dig it.

Please let your opinion be known...

About this new use of ads on my blog. I don't know if I should keep them or get rid of 'em.

Update:

Ads were too gross. I took them down. You can still take my poll and maybe I'll put them back up.

No. They really were gross. But polls are fun.

Back Where I Belong.

In bed, staring up at a crooked old light fixture that I've been meaning to replace for months, blogging next to my conked out husband.

Why did I ever leave something that allowed me to engage in the ego satisfying exercise that is writing about me?

Several reasons. Well, two.

1. I had an awful and busy fall semester at school. Convinced I failed a class I tore my blog down in a panicked rage-wanting to get rid of anything that distracted me from "real" work.


and

2. I started my blog under false pretenses-mostly to write mean things and communicate passively with people I didn't talk to in "real" life. Even though that stopped I still felt like my blog was tainted (he he...taint) with the past negative junk and I wanted to start anew.

Things you'll notice:

1. My blog has a different name. Smashed Words. Kinda stupid. Basic message-I usually only blog when I'm smashed thus the words are as well. Plus it gave me the opportunity to use the image of smashed glass behind my title-which-you know-Awesome! I don't know how well it's working, but I'm keeping it.

2. I added Google Ad sense which means there will be ads on my blog. I don't know how much I like this idea yet-and I know I'm allowing my blog to be used as a conduit for the computer God to run through-gather my information-and try to tempt you-the lovely reader-into clicking on my (the Computer God's) ads. I've totally whored myself out, but the curiosity about what ads they will put up and the idea that I could make any money were too strong to resist. So, if it doesn't work I'll take them down. It is a recession after all and apparently the price I put on my integrity is really, really low.

3. No more passive/aggressive words. Only smashed ones. Although the smashed part is nothing new. I'm going to be writing about anything that interests me at the moment-which could range from money and relationships to American history and legal shit. I don't know. I'm going to just go with it and hopefully it will be entertaining enough to share with other readers.

So, welcome to my new blog. Welcome to my new ads. It's going to be fun! Can't you just tell?