Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What's the diff?

So. I totally make my husband experience new things. And most of the time it doesn't even work, because he quit smoking the winter we got married and I keep smoking-one here and there when I'm with my friends-but-hence the title-what's ' the diff?

I'm feeling really closed off. I can't take a deep breath. I freak out when I'm driving.

Yesterday. Kundilni yoga. Some dude that invented it? Real stuff?

I don't know.

But on my way home from doing it-from which I find so much satisfaction:

I felt calm.
and I told him about how-at about 8 o clock I felt this intense-not really intense, but real feeling. Like, my husband loves me more each day. AND it sounds corny as shit.

and he felt the same. Like, this intense love and attraction.

Here's my secret.

And it should be all. To me.

I often quiver and quick with the meaning of life. Like I'm doing it right, or I'm not doing enough.

I'm confused and angry and lost. But here's the thing. I refuse to be lost with my partner. I can't handle it.

YOU are with me like family-and I hate you and love you and watch you play guitar.

But sometimes, at the end of the night, when all the disagreements and unsettled moral positions come to rest-I lay down in bed-and you wrap your arms around me-and stick you leg between mine-and we sigh-almost in unison-grateful for the warmth and the way we fit together-beyond all being-not quite, but almost, one.

I feel like the past is sucked beyond=and the future is one I am meant to create with you.

My love. My life. My infinite being.

How sweet it is.

When I am in yoga-opening myself up-and my husband feels at that time that he loves me so much-he needs to call and tell me-I know that I am more than my physical body to my partner. I AM his partner. I will not betray him, I will not lie to him, and I expect from him what I expect from myself-quite an old soul. but we wouldn't be here if not for him.

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